from_quietude

i went to the drum circle tonight and sat at the edge of the water wearing my firetrucks tank top and having a headache.

there are so many things i have done and will do that i have a great sense of accomplishment for. i remember, so clearly, last year, kerry telling me that he knows i'm proud. i am proud. it's true. i've done everything, and i've done it alone. i paid for everything, i did, everything. my car is my car and my education is my education and my life is my life. my bank account, my friends, my associations, my, etc.

the consequence of this being, i still feel so ungratified and worthless from it. i still want something else, i feel this gaping chasm left where all of my accomplishments have run dry. i know the need to feel wanted and loved and i feel it so heavily now, several months out of a relationship, several months of independence giving me myself back.

my mom looked at me when i came in the door and for once she didn't tell me i looked like shit. in fact, she wouldn't stop telling me how beautiful i looked. in fact, i know this is because i'm into a size four again. i feel like maybe i'd have a better time of things if i just gave in and became some kick in the fray. as much as i claim to be disaffected and disengaged in the furies of society i am deeply affected by them.

i want someone to say, "sarah i understand you", "sarah, you're beautiful", "sarah__________" ?